Back to School Special: Help Your Child Gain Bad Habits

I’m not what you might call a shining beacon of health and fitness. But I have to open my mouth about this.

Sometime back I signed up for a Dunkin Donuts promotion. Since then, I get email announcements on various ’specials.’ I tend to ignore them, but the latest email offer caught my attention. Essentially, keep in touch with your college student daughter by shipping coffee to her each month.

“The more coffee you buy, the more you’ll save.”

Way back when, I started drinking black coffee at the tail end of high school to keep awake at my night job. Twenty-plus years later, I’m at about 3-4 cups a day (at my worst 6-8 daily). My teeth are stained and my sleep habits are horrible. I certainly would never encourage my children to take it up.

I wonder how far brands will go to push their back-to-school promotions on parents? I imagine we’ll see:

• Chips brand: “Look, he’s gonna gain that ‘freshman forty’ anyway. Might as well make sure he enjoys it.”
• Condom brand: “She’s not your little girl anymore, pal. Tell her you care about her health by sending a 6 months supply of Brand X condoms.”
• GPS tracking brand: “Getting her driver’s license was liberating. But is she really where she told you she’d be? The Little Darlin’ brand subcutaneous tracking device can be implanted while she sleeps, helping you sleep well every night.”

Think I’m kidding? Time will tell.